I watch a baby being carried and cared for by it's mother and father. The child is completely supported in every way without having any knowledge or concern about it. It is held, fed, and kept warm and safe. In fact everything is being taken care of and there is absolutely nothing this young being needs to do beyond just hanging out and being loved.

          
...and so it is with me...

OK, I'll chew on this again and I'll try answering yes this time.

It would say that my purpose is This. Whatever is happening now, exactly the way it is happening. Everything all around supporting it and everything apparently leading up to it. This particular view/experience/angle. How could it happen otherwise? It had to happen this way in order to get this and apparently I need to be here in order for This to be experienced in this way at this point.

But... there is no particular point. At least I can't find one.

My fingers reach out to push a bowl across the table. The table is not me. The bowl is not me. The fingers are not me. The signals from the brain are not me. The thought and motivation to move the bowl is not me nor was it planned or caused by me. The sequence of events leading up to and supporting the possibility of the thought, the moving of the bowl, and the existence of this room and everything in it is not me. That is to say the history, everything here and everything surrounding here, which at this point allows for the possibility of (or makes inevitable) all this, the way it is, and the moving of this bowl. I wonder at what points in this continually changing sequence could a line be drawn to say this is where 'I' start and this is where 'I' end? And even if a line could be drawn and an 'I' found, how long would it last? It's gone already.

A seemingly infinite number of things had to happen, or line up, in order for this bowl to be moved. An equally infinite number of things needed to not happen.

In order for the bowl to move -everything- must move.

“Do you believe in reincarnation”?

I see it every minute of every day.  With every thought the character is brought to life. With every memory, and with every word it is woven together out of nothing. Out of desire the whole story and identity are energized.

I recently read a friend's blog on the subject of habits, tendencies, compulsions and related concepts and so I would like to use these as an example.

Ultimately, here where I sit, there is no such thing as a habit. There is only what is happening. The idea of habit is a story, a history, a thought which is classified as a memory and which is appearing now. The idea of a “habit”, when accepted, injects time or history into the narrative or description of what is happening but time (like the narrative) exists only in thought. It doesn't exist right here where I sit. The word habit also implies an identity, someone to whom the habit belongs. “Compulsion” or “addiction” are stronger words that also serve to infuse, what might be extremely strong (even overwhelming) feelings, urges and energies taking place presently, with a sense of time, story, or meaning. I'm not saying that very strong feelings and sensations are not real or not taking place. What I'm saying is that they are taking place now. That remembered past episodes, what they might mean about the character or imply as to his future, are gone or exist only in thought. In the world of the mind there may be meaning (or many meanings) in the story. So many things exist in that world. Good, bad, evolution, progression, cause and effect, danger, continuity, choice... But here where I sit there is only what is happening. This energy of the moment, this presence. Before all the rest.

What I'm talking about here is simple. I've referred to it as 'seeing' but you could call it presence awareness or another term that you like as long as it's simple, ordinary and immediate. The question is: Is attention being paid right now? Is there the seeing of what is happening? Is this moment of reincarnation being witnessed? Is the creation of my character, my story and my whole world being seen at the instant of it's conception? Is it noticed how a concept such as 'habit' is miraculously being used in the service of fashioning a persona out of currently arising sensations? Even better does this seeing catch the very moment when time begins? If it does then the timelessness out of which all this appears is certainly known.





 

When I was a kid (I must have been 7 years old or so) I remember walking down the street in our neighborhood and thinking "what if all this is a show? What if everyone in my life, everyone I meet, is doing all this and going through this incredibly elaborate act (all these props and actors) just to convince me that this world is real. What if it's all a play of some kind, make believe, and I'm the only one that's not 'in on it' so to speak”? So I had to laugh when a few decades later the movie "The Truman Show" came out. Apparently I wasn't alone with this idea and now I stumble upon this article referring to people who have delusions along these same lines.

What I'd like to propose here is that my childhood daydream, the film and these people's delusions are all based on a true story. No I'm not saying that there really is some elaborate conscious conspiracy of people in the know running the show. What I am saying is that in these last few years that I've been watching my mind I have gradually, incrementally, been able to relax to the point where I began to see where this 'show' is produced and to actually see it in production. Live on the set in the human mind I sit and watch. The more quiet I become the more I see. I see the script writer, the director and the actor discussing the plot, the overarching meaning and the hero's motivation in the story. Inside the editing room they are busy reviewing past footage, cutting and pasting and adding the music. Over there the costume and set designer are at work. All of it is visible now...Wow... and the more I see the more quiet it all becomes until I finally notice that 'everyone' has stopped what they were doing and they are standing looking back at me as if silently asking the question “what now”?

So very still now on the once busy set. Just the sound of my own breathing and then that of a broom on the floor as the janitor begins to clean up a mess but I look directly at him and he also stops. All now are silent and attentive. You see the deal is this, all of this can only operate as it is accustomed to operating when I am not paying attention.

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So let me be more specific and try to put just one small example or context to this, as in the case of posting to this blog for instance: Do I sometimes plan what I am going to write? Do I think about what image or identity I will be projecting and what people will think about it? Will they think that I am wise, insightful, creative, intelligent, spiritual, or whatever? Do I plan with care what I will say here to in order to foster the image of these qualities and think about what not to say in order to keep from coming off as pompous, arrogant, or 'holier than thou'? Do I check with anticipation to see if anyone has viewed or responded and how it was received? Does it matter??

I think I've mentioned before that since I began writing in this blog space I've been aware of the possibility that the ego would try to start production of yet another project here. That it would want to use this space as another platform from which to enhance and further define itself. To shore up and add still more to it's sense of existence and importance as the focal point of 'my life'. I write here anyway. It really can't amount to much now with me watching and all. The show may or may not go on. What happens or does not happen on this set or on the screen is ultimately not important. What is important is that I see everything. That when something comes up I don't look away.

So OK, you behind the curtain, you can come out now. The jig is up. Come out and look me directly in the eyes.

The curtain is draw back and, well...  it's quite a shock actually...

This has nothing to do any longer with “letting nature take it's course” or “going with the flow”.
I AM nature taking it's course. I AM the flow. There IS nothing else.

Mr. OK,
Your life of fantasy is over. There is zero time left for anything like that now and this is the last time I will even refer to that life that is now gone so you will have to stay focused and on track. There is only time now for attention and it's critical that you pay absolute attention. This is not for your benefit. Nothing from now on is for your benefit. You are ready to hear this now and so I will tell you what you already know that in fact there is no 'you' to benefit.
But you do have a job.

So here is your job now; to stay focused, pay complete attention and be ready at all times.

Good luck and stay in touch.

 

Have you ever met someone that habitually, let's say, pulses their foot up an down or sniffs or scratches in some repeated way, unaware that they are doing it? Surely you've met someone, or heard an interview with someone on the radio, that had an unconscious habit of speech where they overused a certain word or phrase and seemed unable to notice that they were doing it. Repeatedly using the word "like" or "you know" are a couple of common examples that come to mind. Of course I've eventually seen (or had pointed out to me) many unconscious habits of my own which became glaringly obvious once they were brought to light.

 

So how about this? Have you ever met someone who unconsciously created a whole identity for themselves? Who, over a lifetime of reacting to their environment, believing and obeying those thoughts and emotions that appeared with the most regularity or intensity, became identified with these patterns and the behaviors which resulted (and the story resulting from that behavior)? Have you ever met someone who identified so strongly with this aggregation of thoughts, habits, or tendencies which have accumulated over time, and the story associated with them, that they could not with any clarity even conceive of any other possibility? So locked into this identity that everything perceived and experienced is passed through this filter as it were. Where everything is processed as to how it relates to this identity which has, by some miracle, become the 'subject' to which all else appears as 'object' or 'other'.

 

Maybe a better question would be; Have you ever met anyone who didn't do this? 

 

 

There are a few odds and ends going on here that I might as well write down here in this funny diary of mine. I did a couple other blog posts some months ago with the subject “Brain Glitches”. Not really a good title is it? Perhaps Anomalies would better. Anyway here's what could be another installment.

Some time within the last few years I started noticing a difference in the way I perceive things visually. Much of the time it is as though someone has turned up the contrast and color saturation. I notice that colors often seem more intense than before but also that I have a different more visceral perception of, or reaction to, them.

The first time it really became obvious I recall I was at work when suddenly a vivid green envelope going through the mail stopped me in my tracks. It brought my train of thought completely to a stand still and all I wanted to do was sit quietly and stare at this green color. It felt very therapeutic and soothing. For a while every time I came across this color of green paper I had the same reaction.

Then for a period it was blue cars. I would find myself gasping 'OMG that is so f#*&ing BLUE'! Or In the spring walking out the back door and the magenta color of the peonies in our garden strikes me as just being completely ridiculous. Another day I notice a strong feeling that the color of a crow standing in the grass is absolutely perfect.

I seem to go through phases where a certain color has a strong effect for a time and lately it's been shiny red cars. It's a very tactile perception as if I can clearly feel what it would be like to scoop my hands through the creamy smooth thickness of this color. It's like I can feel it with my hands and arms and also with my face and mouth. A couple times now I've passed one of these red cars and it has shocked me momentarily into a sort of confusion. There is an emotional reaction that would be hard to describe but it leads to an almost exasperated expression of "No way, that's impossible. Nothing could be that red"! More recently the color that triggers this response seems to be shifting slightly toward orange. So there's that...

Another slightly odd thing that started a few years ago is this thing that I see often when I wake up. It's a kind of star-burst shape. A lot of thin lines radiating out of a center point. It's not particularly bright though and not any color really. It's more like a watermark impression on paper. I see it with eyes closed or open, superimposed on the ceiling. It only seems to last until I get up and then disappears for the day. It doesn't come with an emotion of any kind or with any sense of significance. It's just an odd thing. It was always static or stationary until I travelled to Brazil last earlier this year where for some reason, while I was there, the arms or rays curved and moved around slowly like a sea grass in the waves.

Things #3 and 4 are that I've been having some funny things going on with the left side of my head lately that I decided to have checked out. Visually in the left eye there are flashes of light and a raft of stuff floating around that gradually formed a sort of ring or lens that follows my gaze and make me feel like the some kind of cyborg or something. The eye doctor calls it vitreous detachment with some corneal detachment that we now plan to kind of laser spot weld around so that fluid doesn't leak behind the cornea causing a loss of vision. 

Next in my left ear there have periodically been what sounds like tiny bubbles emerging in a very rapid stream. I can hear and feel each one like a tiny pinprick in the eardrum. My doctor doesn't have any theories about this though and can't see anything in there that could be causing it.

None of these things I'm reporting here are a problem. If anything I am mildly entertained by little mysteries such as these.

 

Who does not fall for this misdirection of the magician? Who can catch this slight of hand unless they already know the trick? Who would not fall for the con?
How can I be angry with the con man when he gives me the gift of shining a light on the only true con artist, the human mind. My own mind!

If I am not actively watching then I am as if asleep. If I am thinking, but not conscious that thought is taking place, then I am dreaming. What does it take to see this and wake up? What focus of intent, how much determination, how much energy? How lucky does one have to be to be standing at the point where one begins to have the choice even to look?

How did you come to this place? What brought you here?

I have no idea.
With all the strength and energy at my disposal I drag myself back to this point. With all the will, intent and determination that I can muster I pry my eyes open and hold them open until at last I see, that in fact... all there is is seeing.